after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
