I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
