I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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