Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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