Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
