So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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