i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
