so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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