either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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