I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
