Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
