Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
