Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Randomize
