Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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