Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
