omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
