You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
