i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
