I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
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