Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
How does it feel to date your dad?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
