Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
