but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Randomize
