i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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