your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
