finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Im part way to drunk.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Success! We fucked roommates!
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
