I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
