It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
