take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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