You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
