Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
What drink are we having for lunch?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
