Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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