This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
