she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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