i just wanna soil my oats bro
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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