I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
