can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
