Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
There's always time for handjobs
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
