She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
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