Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
