my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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