Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
