just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
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