I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
