Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
