I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
