New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
