As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
