I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
