I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Randomize
