She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
