3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
