She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
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